Who Wants to Live Forever?

You should prepare for certain eventualities and make sure those closest to you know what your wishes are. Things like, do you want to be cremated, buried or something else? What songs do you want to be played at your funeral? Do you even want to have songs played?

My mother planned her funeral years ago. She started putting money away each month and has now fully paid for her funeral, and I have the details. She tried talking about it with my siblings, but they didn’t want to have the conversation. I hasten to add that it’s not a subject that I’m fond of, but I also think it’s important to know what your nearest and dearest want to happen when they pass. My mother and I have always talked about the darker side of life, and I was happy to take notes to make sure we complied with her wishes. The songs my mother has chosen are Elton John – Spirit In The Sky and Jonny Nash – I Can See Clearly Now, which actually made me laugh and cry.

I used always want to be buried. The idea of being burnt scared me for some reason. But recently I’ve started to change my mind. I’m not really sure why. I want to say it’s because it’s kinder to the planet, but it’s not that. I think it’s because I know space is a premium in the UK, and when it’s my time, I want to be with Nefertiti and Rameses – see previous blog https://alwaystheother.com/2021/06/15/the-beautiful-ones/ and anyone else in the family that want to join us.

It’s coming up to a year since I lost both Nefertiti and Rameses. It still hurts my heart to think about them. I still haven’t got to that place where I recall memories in their early days or the funny things they did that pop into my head. It’s always their last few weeks, and ultimately their endings. I’d love for this to be different because my mind still gets incoming images of them when I least expect them, and then I find myself doing things that can be likened to self-flagellation.

Sometimes I test myself to see if I can look at their pictures and videos and hold it together. This is still 50/50. Videos hit me harder than the pictures. And then it’s the songs that play on the radio and certain tracks on my playlists that take me back to the time that continues to haunt my mind and memories. The song playing on my playlist on the way back from the vets after Rameses was put to sleep was Queen ‘Who wants to live forever. I’ve always loved that track and the film Highlander, to which it was the soundtrack. Although, instead of thinking about how great the film Highlander was, I think about my last hour with Rameses, the drive home and sitting in the driveway pretty much screaming with the music turned up loud so no one could hear me.

I’m hoping this will change and soften with more time.